CW: SUICIDAL IDEATION
I never felt legitimate enough to think about therapy until a friend told me that most thirteen-year-olds don’t comfort themselves by dreaming of hurling themselves out of high rises. But I had never stopped thinking about it. My depression and suicidal ideation were always things for me to handle myself. It just never seemed bad enough, legitimate enough, when there were people who were actually depressed and taking meds, when there were people who were visibly suffering, visibly hurting themselves, visibly attempting to end themselves. People who didn’t look like me.
Because people who look like me don’t suffer. We carry on, grateful to be here. What is our suffering when our ancestors were raped and massacred in Nanjing, starved throughout the countryside, jailed for whispering a word about their pain? When no balance could be found between work and life because for immigrants like my parents, in this country, without work there is no life?
No, in this country, people like me are not allowed to hurt. We are not allowed to mourn the silence and emptiness of the house – at least we have one. We are not allowed to hurt from kids making fun of our food – at least we don’t starve. We are not allowed to feel unwanted at school – at least we’re in school. We are not allowed to want a dog, a white picket fence, to be best friends with our neighbors, nor are we allowed to feel comfortable in our skins – we survive and that is enough.
“你的脸皮为什么那么薄？”
“Why is your skin so thin?” my parents would always ask. Mom would touch my cheek, tell me not to 害羞, not to be embarrassed. Don’t be so sensitive. All your problems are because 你的脸皮不够厚, your skin is not thick enough.
“They mean well. You take everything too seriously.”
It’s you, you, you. If you struggle, you try harder. If it hurts, you swallow it and toughen up. If you are sad, you just need to think positive and cheer up.
No, I dared not breathe a word.
从未觉得我需要接受心理治疗，直到我的一个朋友告诉我：大多数13岁的孩子是不会从高楼跃下的幻想里找到安慰的,而我却从来没有停止过这种想法。我的抑郁症和自杀倾向一直由我自己独自承受。事情虽然不算合理，但似乎不算太糟糕。当看到有人真的在抑郁，服用药物，有人明显地在承受巨大痛苦，明显地在伤害他们自己，明显地在尝试结束他们自己的生命，我觉得我和这些人不一样。
像我这样的人看上去似乎不应该有什么苦难。我们还能忍受生活,庆幸我们能在这里。我们的祖辈在南京被屠杀被强奸，在乡村忍受饥荒；我们身为移民的父母，在这个没有工作就无法生存的国家，他们一直在辛勤劳动。比起他们，我们的痛苦能算什么呢？！
是啊，在这个社会上，像我这样的人应该知足。我们不能够抱怨屋里的寂静和空荡，至少我们还有房子可住。我们不能责怪别的孩子取笑我们的食物不好，至少我们还有东西可吃。我们不能埋怨在学校不受欢迎，至少我们还有学可上。我们什么都不能奢望， 比如养一条狗，有一个白栅栏，和邻居做好朋友，我们仅仅是活着，仅此而已。
“你的脸皮为什么那么薄？”
我的父母总是这么问。 母亲会抚摸着我的脸颊，告诉我不要害羞，不要那么敏感。 你所有的麻烦是因为你脸皮太薄。
“他们不是别的意思，你总是太认真了。”
一切都是你的问题，是你自己的错。如果你内心纠结，那就再努力试试，吞下你的泪水，努力使自己振作起来。如果你感觉情绪低落，就想些阳光的事情，强装笑脸。
不，我什么都不敢说！
This photo was sent by the author.
照片是作者发送的。
