CW: SUICIDAL IDEATION
I struggled with my mental health since I was in elementary school.
Growing up, I was quiet and did not participate in many extracurricular activities. Most days I was alone but not lonely until my mom intervened by questioning why I had such a limited social life. This was the start of my anxiety that peaked in high school when one day a social worker came to the classroom and called my name. During the session I was filled with an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and then shame. My home life was relatively stable, I grew up in an upper middle class home, and had never considered myself to have serious psychotic issues. I lacked the validation that my anxiety and depression were real and the stigma around mental health created my mother fed the reality that I needed professional help.
It was only until I got to college that I realized how little I belonged. I grew up American but was not white. I was happy in public and felt a gaping hole when I was alone. This was when the suicidal thoughts peaked. Luckily enough I went to a university where mental health conversations were routine and I had overcome my developed stigma towards seeing a therapist. The sessions facilitated conversations that made me more open and comfortable with the state of my being and it allowed me to overcome hurdles such as taking medication and finally admitting myself into a psych ward.
It is here that I recognize that growth in mental health is an uphill battle and the first step is admitting that seeking help is a sign of great strength.
自从上小学以来，我一直遭受心理问题的困扰。
长大后，我很安静，没有参加很多课外活动。大多数时候，我是一个人，但并不感到孤单。直到妈妈问起我为什么没有像别的孩子一样多的社交生活时，我开始焦虑。上高中时，我的焦虑达到了顶峰。有一天，一名社工到教室点了我的名字，将我叫去谈话。在与社工的会面期间，谈到我的焦虑及心理的困扰时，我的内心充满了尴尬和羞耻感。我在一个中产阶级家庭中长大，生活相对稳定，从未考虑过自己会患有严重的精神问题。我无法验证自己的焦虑和抑郁是否真实，而华人社区围绕心理健康的偏见与误解使我的母亲没有意识到我需要专业人士的帮助。
直到我上大学时，我才意识到自己与周围的环境是多么格格不入。我在美国长大，但不属于白人群体。我在公共场合表现得很开心。但当我独自一人时，我感到非常地空虚，并且经常有自杀的念头，有时候这种念头甚至十分强烈。幸运的是，我上的那所大学，对心理健康的话题是开放的，而且鼓励公开讨论。从而使我克服了面对心理治疗师时的羞耻感，坚持接受治疗。这些对话和疗程，使我变得更加自在，增强了我的自信心，鼓励我越过种种障碍，最终说服了我自己需要服用药物和接受住院强化治疗。在住院期间，我充分认识到心理健康的提高是一场艰巨的战斗。
而这场战斗的第一步就是明白看似矛盾的一个道理：勇敢寻求帮助是自我强大的第一步。
